After 4 days of bat terror, we finally felt safe and convinced that said bat had left the premises. Last night during America’s got talent, right in the middle of a particularly high rendition of operatic singing, the black terror of the night appeared (from nowhere), sending Russ and I under the covers and Adam screaming from the room in a pitch to further incite the bat! Said bat now escapes our room to the rest of the house. Once again Adam and Dustin swat viciously, missing by miles due mainly to their own terror. So, once again we lost the bat!!!! No pest company will come because they said that it’s liking finding a needle in a haystack. And now we’ve been advised to either catch it somehow and check it for rabies or go for rabies injections because people often do not even feel bat bites if they’re sleeping! My usual amount of barely manageable free-floating anxiety has reached new heights. Any advice or help (preferably physical) would be greatly appreciated! (possibly even to the end of my days)

Usually, when I sit down to write something, I have been inspired to do so. Today, not so. My son is going in tomorrow for a second back surgery. Since the last one some five months ago, he has not been pain free. However, a few weeks ago his bearable pain crossed the line into unbearable. Convinced he had re-herniated he managed to get a quick MRI (thanks Pete) and a quick appointment with his Ortho surgeon. He was right and very luckily his surgeon agreed to perform surgery almost immediately.

We grow and learn from suffering. Period. So what lessons have we all learned so far through this painful experience.

My son has learned who his “bad time” friends are. They know who they are. He has learned just how much his family loves him. He has also learned that he truly has a wonderful wife with incredible patience and understanding. He has learned that he can bear things that he would have previously thought unbearable. We have all learned that people who understand pain are more compassionate. We have learned that those who don’t understand will often diminish the experience of others so that they might feel better about their own helplessness. We have all learned that the most dangerous people are those who believe that they know everything. This kind of arrogance creates the greatest weakness in human beings.

My husband and I have sadly learned that the professions that we believed to be the most caring are the ones where we sometimes find the least. We have learned to advocate. We have learned to stand strong from a weakened state. We have learned that we can’t fix all of our children’s pain but that we can do our best to hear them. We have learned to take one day at a time. We have learned that even with our history of people pleasing, we have limits. We have learned that our son’s happiness and our loyalty to that is more important than any social embarrassment that we may ever feel.

With experience, I do not see things more simply but realize that they are more complex than we can grasp. My growth as a human being is often more about understanding what things aren’t rather than what they are. For example, I choose a more holistic approach towards my body because I realize that no single discipline can explain it all. So yes, I am that “go to” person if you want to be put in contact with an Acupuncturist, Homeopath, Naturopath, Nutritionist, Psychologist or Chinese doctor or if you want to know about various forms of meditation – traditional or alternative. I believe that when I visit my doctor (because of course western medicine has a place in the scheme of everything), I have the right to be a part of the process. So when I stepped on a rusty nail the other day and paid a visit to the doctor’s office for a tetanus update, I was horrified to read a sign that read: PLEASE LIMIT YOUR COMPLAINTS TO ONE PER VISIT. Wow, just how far have we not come! Aren’t doctors themselves trained to view many symptoms in order to make a diagnosis. How do I know that the pain in my left toe is not related to the nausea that I feel. I simply don’t understand this policy. Can anyone? Have I misunderstood something? I feel, sadly, that this is more a sign of the general state of medicine in Canada and overworked (and underpaid) general practitioners than a reflection of the attitudes of doctors who have worked long and hard to understand their patients as whole human beings.

My father-in-law recently died. I will miss him and wish him happiness and fulfilment in his journey ahead. Pa, as he was fondly known, was not highly educated in the traditional sense but he was a student of life. He taught a love of family because he loved his so much. He taught laughter because he understood the subtlety of humour. He taught a love of animals by showing how different and beautiful that love can be. He was unconcerned with what “others” thought of him but very concerned with what we, his family, did. He often told my children things that made me cringe at the inappropriateness of them. But he knew something because all his grandchildren loved him for that. He appreciated our love and attention and never focussed on our lack of it. (Unless we forgot to kiss him hello. Now that was trouble!) Personally, I always felt he understood me without needing explanations. When my father died 24 years ago I remember that Pa felt like a solid person next to me. He was the first person I called when I crashed my car into a stationary one on a rainy night. He always gave me the benefit of the doubt and saw my good intentions even when I made mistakes. We had a connection, him and I, that is built on years of that kind of unconditional love. Thank you Pa. XX

My oldest son, Ilan and my niece Tamryn spoke at his funeral. Their words were heartfelt and I believe their grandfather would have appreciated them greatly. In essence they were both saying something similar. How did he make his mark in this world? It is not so much about the things that he did but how he affected the lives of those those around him. The passing on of values and how we treat our family and fellow humans is our true legacy, is it not?

Yesterday, Gabi and I were watching a slide show of photos taken about a year ago, with my 3 year old nephew, Aden. Gabi was amazed and then concerned that Aden did not remember the events (in this case, a zoo) depicted by the pictures. Later she expressed that it seemed a waste to take young kids to anything because they didn’t remember them. Our conversation went as follows:

Me: Aden loves Polar bears, right?

Gabi: Yes.

Me: Well, he saw Polar bears at that zoo for the first time. And then perhaps a couple of months later he saw a picture of a polar bear and that sparked his interest. At that time he probably related that to the one he saw at the zoo. Maybe 6 months later he saw another polar bear and became very excited even though he didn’t remember the other ones. Memories build on each other like that. All experiences are important even though we may not remember all of them.

Gabi: Yes! And sometimes photos remind us of things and we think we remember them even when we don’t.

Me: That’s the purpose of photos.

Gabi: And sometimes people remind you. Like I think I remember when Dani pulled my arm and dislocated it (sorry Dan, she’ll never let you live this one down) but I don’t think I do. I just think people have told me the story so much that I think I remember it.

Me: Yip. You’re right.

So while Aden may not “remember” Pa, he may remember my ingrained game of bouncing him on my knees chanting “dumpie, dumpie.” Thanks Pa.

We lit fireworks last night and they were a tad pathetic. I am undertaking to improve our choosing techniques for next time. A little internet research, perhaps? Gabi took the whole thing personally because she had helped choose them and of course her brothers were very vociferous about their feelings. I tried intervening but it was received with confusion. “But she didn’t make them?” True. Another undertaking is to build my daughter’s resilience and teach her what she is and isn’t responsible for. On a bright note they were perfect fireworks for my nephew, Aden, to break his teeth on. Their tameness for us appeared to be borderline scary for him but just enough for him to feel oh so very brave!

The week ahead is going to be hectic in a great way. My youngest sister is getting married in our garden and my sisters from Israel and California are flying in for the occasion. All five sisters together – what a treat. Also making the trip are my three nephews, a wife and an almost wife. It’s going to be great family time. Beds to prepare. Must fly!

The school office is a scary place for most kids. Here’s a conversation I had with Gabi yesterday:

“Our lunch ladies are so mean!” she said.

“Why?” I asked.

“They were teasing this girl I know and calling her fat and chubby and laughing,” she replied

“What?! These are grown-ups, right?” I asked.

“Yes. I asked my friend if she liked what they were saying and she said no but that it was ok. So I told them to stop because my friend didn’t want them to say that.” Gabi explained.

“What did they say?” I asked. – These were adults?!

“They said that my friend knew that they were joking and did I want to go to the office with them?” my daughter replied.

“What did you say?”

“I said sorry and walked away. That made me scared.”

I was very proud of Gabi and told her so. She clearly felt that she had failed her friend and I explained to her that she had done something that most people wouldn’t have done. We had a big discussion about the office and why she felt it was a scary place. She said that the office was a place you went to when you had done something wrong. I replied that while that was true sometimes that it was also a place to go to for protection or help. She didn’t look convinced. And here’s another problem. She does not want me to “deal” with anything and I have to respect her wishes if I want her to continue to feel comfortable sharing with me. Any suggestions anyone?

The last few months have seen me running next to life and barely managing to keep up. I am in the process of realizing that unless I make time to do the things in my master plan, I may never get around to them. Russ and I spent a week in Mexico doing just about nothing. Our biggest decision was what we were going to eat for dinner. But… I had time to write (part of my master plan) so that was good. It’s not about making decisions and then sticking to them. Experience of life is dynamic so we have to constantly check our progress and where we are. It is so easy, as I have discovered many times, to slip into a rut of existence. Weeks, months and sometimes years pass and we realize that we haven’t got to that one thing that will bring us happiness and fulfilment. Why are we sometime so sabotaging in nature? I think it’s partly because we live in a “too much” world right now. We may have only lived to 40 in the 18th century but we probably got more done! But a think a part of it is that we are also emotionally lazy. Anything great and worth pursuing takes effort and procrastination becomes our greatest accomplice. OK, that’s my pep talk to myself!

The key to growing is believing that you always have room to grow. It’s strange to me that people often believe the opposite, limiting their growth. Comments like, “I’m too old to change” or “I’m set in my ways” are just sad. How can any of us have the presumption to believe that we can possibly know all there is to know in 80 or so years. Change is hard. I get that. It is comfortable to stay in the known and transition from one state to another can feel very uneasy but let’s face it, nothing worth having is easy. Children provide us often with the most unimagined rewards but getting to that point requires hard work, exhaustion and sometimes despair. Do any of us sail through relationships, careers? But it has to be worth the effort. We have to keep our goals in mind and refuse to settle. We have to work on fear. Fear, the very thing that closes our minds and “keeps us safe” also leaves us fragile and vulnerable and unable to achieve our own greatness. Sometimes fear does keep us safe but we need to learn the difference between those times and the times when it needs to be stared right in the face and challenged. Does aging make this too hard? I’m 52 and I can’t speak for an 80 year-old. Do we just become too tired? I refuse to believe this and if I’m wrong, I will go down kicking and screaming!

As parents, one of the fine lines we walk is between attentiveness to our child’s emotions and remaining in charge. This is particularly difficult when dealing with a strong willed child who is very emotional! Speaking from experience, it is very easy to get caught up in the emotional side and equally easy to lose sight of the “being in charge” one! Our married son and his wife have been staying with us while he recovers from his back surgery and the other day he stated bluntly, that in his opinion, our 10 year old daughter ran the house. He also gently pointed out that I have a particular problem witnessing pain in my kids. Hmmm…. When did he become so insightful!

I am aware of this battle. I research and write about these exact issues! How then do I lose sight of them in myself? It’s called being human. Maintaining balance between what I bring to the parenting experience and my child’s input, is a challenge. I want to be the best parent that I can be and for me this means remaining open to new ideas, having a willingness to look at myself and being committed to change. These are the things I work on constantly so that when my son speaks, I listen.

Does this mean that I will become the perfect parent? No. But I will aim for better. (Read Joe Rich’s book, Parenting, The Long Journey)

We are now 9 days post surgery and Ilan is doing well. His back has healed wonderfully. I really believe the arnica he took helped a lot in that regard. I’m a firm believer. The week was pretty rough. Having had a few surgeries myself I should have remembered the experience. Aside from the terrible pain it is an emotional roller coaster. Anyway I think his feelings of fragility are less and he is feeling more optimistic about outcome. Onward and upward.

Dustin came in from university and because Ilan and his wife, Carrie are staying with us for a bit, we had a full house for the first time in a long time. In this honour, my husband and I decided to make a scrumptious dinner last night. We don’t have a barbecue yet so had to pan-fry the chicken, which had been marinaded in, amongst other things, brown sugar. In no time at all, the smoke set off the smoke alarm and then it was simply a comedy of errors. We forgot  that the smoke alarm was connected to the alarm company and unbeknown to anyone, the phone had been left off the hook. (Ok, fine, I did it!) By the time the alarm company contacted my husband on his cell, they had already notified the fire department. Despite attempts to halt the dispatch, lo and behold, 2 fire trucks with many firemen duly came. They were jovial and understanding and all ended well.

After the week we’ve had, the experience felt like light relief!