Tag Archives: questions

Ask your child: “What would make you happier than you are right now?”

Let’s look at some possibilities:

• If I had more friends.
• If I wasn’t bullied.
• If my hair was curly.
• If my hair was straight.
• If I did better in school.
• If I made the basketball team.
• If there was no global warming.
• If I didn’t worry so much.
• If I was taller.
• If I was skinnier.
• If I got a new computer.
• If my teacher was nicer to me.
• If my parents didn’t bug me to do things.
• If my brother stopped teasing me.
• If I had a dog.
• If I could go to Disney World.

This list can be endless. Of course, what happens in our lives and our children’s lives affects them. However, when we completely depend on things around us to make us happy, we take the risk that we will never be happy.

Let’s not leave our happiness entirely to chance.

How can we change this?

How can we feel happy if we have no friends, or fail a test, or a bully picks on us every day? As impossible as this seems, even at times like these, we have the power to be happier. We have the power within us to change the way we feel. And when we learn to do this, we not only change the way we feel, but very often the way others feel around us and the way others behave toward us.

How do you think your child would answer these questions:

• Who are you?
• How do you feel?
• What do you think about?
• What do you like about yourself?
• What don’t you like?
• What makes you, you?

If the answer is “with difficulty” they are not alone. Through addressing questions like these, our children can learn to focus on their perspective of life. These are the seeds for developing a strong sense of self and self esteem. Children need to believe that how they see the world matters.

When your child tells you they are feeling sad. Spend time exploring their story and let them know that you have heard it and understood it. You can do this by retelling it using words that they can understand. Use this retell as an opportunity to introduce them to other feeling words that describe their feelings – this can be a word they are unfamiliar with – as this is a great opening to increase their “feeling vocabulary.”

Once you feel your child is satisfied that you have understood their story and their feelings, you can elaborate, using questions like “Have you felt like this at another time?” or “How do you think the other child felt?” or “Why do you think they behaved that way.” These questions put your child in the mindset to learn from their experiences and to problem-solve.

Children don’t start out avoiding feelings of sadness, frustration or anxiety. They want to talk about them as much as they do the more comfortable feelings. But they quickly learn that these feelings are often taboo. Parents can make an enormous difference to this.

Children will often be your best guides and help you to help them talk about their feelings. Children ask questions, lots of them. Answer all your children’s questions with honesty, particularly when they are about negative feelings. Often, our initial reaction is to console, explain or eliminate negative feelings. This does not provide your child with the tools to deal with similar situations in the future.

For example, if your child expresses fear, avoid reactions like, “There’s nothing to be afraid of,” or, “Don’t be scared.” This can make your child feel unheard and shuts down communication. Accepting all of your child’s feelings, allows your child to accept their own feelings and work with them.